18. February 2008 by Carol.

It appears that my PICC line will be removed tomorrow morning!  Yippee!!!!  No more being tethered to this stuff!  But I still like the idea of having a spiritual PICC line from the Lord to my heart so he can easily and painlessly infuse life into those places where I still lack spiritual strength.  Yet, alas, we usually learn best when things aren’t done easily or painlessly so I’m guessing my wish would not come true (and it would be for my own good).

And for not having to be tethered to a pole and bag of drugs, that is a good thing, too.  That, also, causes me to think about how easily I am tethered to things that only I can release myself from - fear, lack of trust, bad choices and so on.  So even though I bid my pole and bags and tubes a farewell I still need lessons in how to untether myself from so many things that hold me back.

May I learn from all this!  May it be so!

 Thanks for reading.

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18. February 2008 by Carol.

It’s 10:30 Sunday night and tomorrow I am planning to return to work full time in the office.  It’s been over two months (much longer than I ever dreamed it would be)  since I’ve worked full time and I must admit I am feeling reticent about it.  Can I make it through 8 hours of work plus do the 1 hour commute each way?  Will I remember how to do certain things at work?  Will I be able to get caught up on all the changes that have been made in the last two months?  I feel like a new employee starting a new job tomorrow…

One of the things I have noticed in these couple of months is that my brain is not as sharp, as quick as it was before.  I am sure I can blame all kinds of things - anesthesia, the plethora of drugs I’m taking (by the way, I’m down to 36 a day now) and their side effects, the fact that my brain hasn’t had the energy to be engaged to much the last number of weeks - yes I can blame all these things.   But tonight I feel myself getting fearful that my brain won’t ever return to it’s former self.

But I know that fear is not from the Lord and that I need to trust him to restore everything that I need to do my job well and maybe even better than ever before now that my kidney function is so much higher.  This is where I get hung up in my faith - the need to trust the Lord for all that I require to do what he has called me to do.  It’s that head/heart thing.  My head knows that trusting the Lord is truth but sometimes my heart defies what I know.    Makes me think about this PICC line I have in me - 51 centimeters (which I think is around 20″) that runs from my left arm to not far from my heart.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a spiritual PICC line that could run from my head to my heart?  Then perhaps God could infuse those spiritual heart things that I need just like I infused the antibiotic into my blood stream.

Trust is just a five letter word with one syllable but it feels like the longest word in the dictionary to me.  May I learn how to shorten it to it’s proper length and respond with trust as quickly as I can say it.

Thanks for reading.

PS - tomorrow I will learn if I can eliminate the PICC line!  That would be a wonderful thing to eliminate.  I’ll let you know Tuesday.

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